TMI...you probably shouldn't read this.

My 'week 19' post was one of few words. I've learned that sometimes rather than gripe about how awful I'm feeling it's best to say nothing. Anyways, I was driving home from the library where Micah and I had 'lap time' and thinking about how huge I was getting and questioning for the 1,000th time why I was gaining weight in my legs...and on and on and then something popped into my head. I thought about what a blessing my babies are to me. I thought about my life and the journey I've been on...through teen years filled with hospitalizations for an eating disorder, to the physical complications brought on by that, to the doctors telling me that it would be almost impossible to have children. I thought about finding out I was pregnant with Micah and wondering how it was possible without having...ahem, cycles. I had a miserable pregnancy with him...often in my own mind thinking about my body. And then I found out I was pregnant again...without any 'warning'...and the same fears and anxieties came up again. This time though I had a very wise woman in my life who gave me a new perspective. My whole mind had been caught up in the bad things about pregnancy and the selfish things about my body. She reminded me what a huge miracle it was that I was even pregnant, that it was a gift from God (not a horrible, body destroying, money sucking, 18 year problem)...it HAD to be a gift from God because there is no other explanation for my pregnancies. And so for a few minutes today I felt overwhelmingly blessed by God for this new baby and for Micah and wasn't consumed with worries about my body.
I guess that it is really hard for me to be pregnant because of my insecurities but I really do love that God has given me Micah and another baby. I definitely do not spend all of my time moping, but I have my moments...maybe more and deeper than the average person but I really do love being a mommy. I think I'm writing this all to say that God is really really working in my heart through this. I am obviously 'messed up' in this area but I am thankful that he walks next to me regardless of all of that. I can only see him continuing to teach me and humbling me, and growing me into the mommy he wants me to be.
...my pride and joy...haha